Sunday 22 July 2012

Sex: What men want. Okay, what I want.

I have a pair of balls. Does that give me the right to speak on behalf of the entire male sex? If you know anything about this blog, you know the author absolutely detests people making unsubstantiated statements in the guise of so-called facts when they are really giving us their opinion. The worth of that opinion is very much dependant on the education and experience of the individual in question but even then their opinion is probably not supported by a university sanctioned analytic methodology of double blind testing with a statistically significant cross-section of the population. Consequently their opinion is just that, an opinion; it's not a fact. Obviously some opinions may be more worthwhile than others but I would ask if anybody can prove what they're saying? Okay, two plus two does equal four. But does God exist? Did the twin towers of the World Trade Center collapse due to a controlled demolition? And was there a second shooter on the grassy knoll? Oh wait. I almost forgot about Xenu.

I said that two plus two equals four but does it always equal four? Did you know that two plus two sometimes equals "10"? What's that crazy person talking about? Base four, my friend, base four. (see References below) That little example is to prove that even those beliefs you hold as immutable (fixed, unalterable) may change depending on the perspective.

So, coming back to my testicles, somebody could argue (but I'm going to argue for them) that the title of this article indicates I can give you my opinion but I can't necessarily talk for all men. Others may be able to do so better than I and when I say others, I don't necessarily mean men.

In 1974, Shere Hite shocked the world with her revelations in her book The Hite Report on Female Sexuality: 70% of women do not have orgasms through in-out, thrusting intercourse but are able to achieve orgasm easily by masturbation or other direct clitoral stimulation. (Wait. That was a revelation? Hel-lo!) In 1981, she shocked the world again with The Hite Report on Male Sexuality offering up the responses of 7,239 men, 13 to 97 years old about everything from masturbation to being faithful or not being faithful. Somehow I would think that Ms. Hite is far more qualified than yours truly to be telling the world what men think. As a matter of fact, I would say she is far more qualified than a lot of self-professed gurus of sexual slash relationship advice. My point is, to get back to the article's title, is that I am writing about what I want. Yes, I'm a man but I will not pretend to be writing about your man, your boyfriend, husband, partner or imaginary friend Roger Rabbit, batteries not included. This is merely one guy putting down on paper some ideas which have percolated over his soon to be sixty years. It's either the wisdom of the ages or the foolishness of all time. I prefer the former; the jury is still out on the latter.

Men think women don't like sex
I read The Hite Report on Male Sexuality when it first came out in 1981. That's over three decades ago. How much has changed since then? Have relationships between the sexes improved or are we still fumbling around in the dark so to speak? Some of what has appeared in the headlines recently such as Rush Limbaugh's on-air rant about Sandra Fluke would lead me to believe that in some circles society hasn't improved one iota. Then again, how long does a new piece of information take to disseminate throughout the world before it becomes "common and accepted knowledge" air quotes? 72% of Americans apparently believe in angels while 45% believe in Darwin's theory of evolution (only 40% believe in creationism). (2009 Harris Poll) Heck, the Flat Earth Society (Wikipedia) continues the good work of trying to persuade us all that we are not living on a sphere.

Ms. Hite made mention of something I have never forgotten. In interviewing the seven thousand plus men, she ran across a common thread which seemed to be basic part of the male psyche: men believe women don't like sex.


I read that part of the book a second time. And a third. Yep, there it was in black and white. Men believe that women do not like sex. How did they arrive at such a conclusion?

Over the years, I have cogitated (sometimes I ruminate) over how anyone could assume such a thing but the more I thought about it, the more logical it all seemed.

Anthropologists have said that men are the hunters and women are the gathers. Out of this, arguments have been made that genetically, men are geared to spreading their seed while women are striving to set up a stable environment to raise children. True? False? Whether we can take this down to something as basic as our genes, it would certainly seem that our society and our culture play an enormous part of shaping the behaviours of the sexes.

The Double Standard
If a guy sleeps around, he's a man and that's considered something positive. If a woman sleeps around, she's a slut and that's considered something negative. In such an atmosphere where the threat of social stigma is so great a woman could see her standing in the community reduced to zero in the blink of an eye, is it any wonder a woman would be cautious if not scared of engaging in anything sexual? I am sure that this fear would in some cases extend into marriage. Yes, even with my husband I should be cautious out of fear of him thinking that I'm a loose woman.

Men believe women don't like sex? No surprise there. It all seems perfectly logical.

A recent movie of the same name portrays an era of only 130 years ago, the late 1800s, when women were believed (and taught) to be free from any form of sexual desire. (see my blog: Movie Review: Hysteria (plus my ramblings about the female paroxysm, er, orgasm)) The comedy or the sad reality of the story (this isn't a made-up story, this is based on the reality of the day), medical doctors were treating a mysterious illness called hysteria by masturbating women. Yep, you heard me correctly. Women were complaining of various health problems and the remedial course of action was for a doctor to manually manipulate their genitals but it would seem that nobody, neither doctors nor women, understood that a woman was experiencing an orgasm. Is there a better example of people who did not understand what's going on?

Betty Dodson
Flash forward to the 1970s and 1980s. Ms. Dodson as a sex educator has been a pioneer in promoting masturbation for women so they could get in touch with their sexuality. (my blog: Sex Ed: Betty Dodson: educator, author, pro-sex feminist) I'm sure anybody would at first glance consider this to be bizarre but Dodson's web site has numerous emails from women confessing to have never had an orgasm in their life.

27 and Never Had an Orgasm - Jun 6/2009
I am 27 years old, never had an orgasm. I'm married 5 years with 2 kids.

What? Really? We may at first find any of this strange - Lessons on masturbation? - but imagine how strange it would be to be 20, 30 or even 40, married and with kids but having never had something as fundamental to the human experience as an orgasm. It's hard to believe but Dodson's web site certainly indicates there's more going on - or should I say not going on - than anybody would at first realise. Let's not forget how secretive we all are when it comes to anything to do with sex and if you're having problems, where do you go to get reliable information?

Rush Limbaugh
A young lady, Sandra Fluke, is asked by the Democrats to testify about the government providing birth-control pills. The Conservatives are aghast at the idea of the pill and Rush Limbaugh goes off on a rant about Ms. Fluke being a slut for wanting free contraceptives because she obviously wants to have sex all the time and at the government's expense. (my blog: Rush Limbaugh: That's spelled with one F and one U) Okay, Mr. Limbaugh is a douchebag but a douchebag with a radio show and a large audience of Conservative dimwits who subscribe to same narrow minded, anachronistic, sexist view of society in general and women in particular. However is it any wonder that in light of such vitriolic attacks on the feminine sex that women have taken a stance of keeping their heads down and trying to stay out of the line of fire? Sandra Fluke was talking about birth-control for health reasons specifically for regulating hormones and Limbaugh calls her a slut. Limbaugh is a f**kin' idiot. Now how can any man in North America hope to get any woman to relax and come out of her shell in the bedroom if she's worried about having her reputation smeared across the front page? Thanks, Rush. You're a dick.

True Story
The year is 1992 I think. I'm doing some computer consulting work at a small company and I am talking with Bill the manager and Lori the head secretary. Out of the blue, Bill decides to tell me a joke and says, "What's the difference between a woman and a walrus? ... One has a moustache and smells like fish, the other lives in the sea."

I was stunned. He says this in front of Lori. She nervously laughs not really knowing what to do. After all, Bill is her boss and signs her pay check. I didn't know what to say either; I was positively appalled he would say such a thing in front of a woman for starters but secondly; the premise of the entire joke is based on a sexist stereotype to which I do not at all subscribe. What an absolute idiot!

However I have to come back to the etymology of this joke. It is based on the idea that women smell. Down there. I'll come back to the veracity of this idea in a sec but I wonder if the women reading this remember the late 1970s, early 1980s? I believe this is when feminine deodorants hit the market. Now think about this for an instant. An entire industry is dedicated to telling women that they smell and have to do something about it. What?

Even before feminine deodorant, were women told to douche? The Wikipedia article "Douche" reads: Many health care professionals state that douching is dangerous, as it interferes with both the vagina's normal self-cleaning and with the natural bacterial culture of the vagina, and it might spread or introduce infections. The same article goes on to state that today 27% of women ages 15 to 44 douche regularly.

What is the message being given to women young and old about their own bodies?

The walrus joke is boys' locker room talk based on the utter ignorance of the feminine sex. I have a confession and because it is sexual in nature I'm sure it will titillate some but I think the truth is important.

At a very early age in my sexual life, I discovered that women smell wonderful and taste great. I believe that performing oral sex on a woman is the most intimate and sensual act of sex a man can do. To any man reading this who does not perform oral sex, you are missing out on a wonderful way of connecting with your partner. Every man should do it. I will say unequivocally that in sex like many areas of life, giving is far more rewarding than receiving. Oh I like to receive, don't get me wrong, but giving; ah, now that's truly gratifying.

Bill the manager was trying to be funny like two boys in the locker room. His choice of joke was abominable and I, as his locker room buddy, should have chewed him out in front of Lori for perpetuating a falsehood. I'm sure Bill's wife is a deprived woman.

My point
Men believe that women don't like sex. That statement is not true; women do like sex but we continue to live in a society which is very confused about its sexuality and confusion reigns. It is not at all surprising that belief is out there when Rush Limbaugh and walrus jokes perpetuate the message to women that not holding back is fraught with perils.

Over the years, I have met women who were open and women who were closed or shy. I have come to realise that we all are the product of our up-bringing and the society in which we live. Sometimes the results are good; sometimes they're not so good. Nevertheless we are all trying to do the best with the cards we were dealt and we all deserve a break for the obstacles we have to overcome and sometimes the obstacles we may never overcome. As odd as this may sound, as unbelievable as this sounds, there are women who die having never experienced an orgasm.

To connect, to truly connect with another person, I believe we must give our trust to the other person and we must have the trust of the other person. However, the ideas expressed by Rush Limbaugh and walrus jokes will continue to make life difficult if not impossible for women. A woman will spend her entire life learning to hold back out of fear of public humiliation then at some point, is supposed to magically open up. Seems a little unreasonable to me if not impossible. What is it going to take to change the world? As a man, I can protest Rush Limbaugh. As a man, I chew out the next guy who tells a walrus joke. As a man, I can try and shut out the cacophony of sexist negativity and hopefully show that I am not like the rest and merit trust.

Why am I writing this?
A fellow blogger, a female blogger, was thinking of writing some postings about relationships and sex and asked me to respond to the question:

"Where do men like to be touched?"

I thought about it for quite a while, hesitating to speak my mind out of fear of delving into things which could provide more titillation for potential readers than ideas for legitimate discussion. Finally, I decided to respond with the following.


Do I answer with one word? (I get my face slapped) Or do I turn in a five thousand word essay? (You turn to the crowd and say exasperated, "Would somebody pleeeeease shut this guy up!?!")

I am betting that each man you ask and each woman will turn in "safe answers" describing all areas of the body with charming romantic and affectionate descriptions of various activities such as a walk in the park, watching TV on the couch together, etc. It will make for a cute article in Reader's Digest. They will skirt the obvious sexual one.

Some may go with an answer which for me at least, seems relatively new: the mind. Yes, touch a person's mind, the idea being that the mind is our biggest sex organ. Once again, smiles and polite nods elicited with maybe a few smirks and snickers.

I couldn't help thinking of the double standard and The Hite Report on Men and Male Sexuality (1981). I have never forgotten that Shere Hite said, after interviewing more than 7,000 men, that the most common "theme" of their take on sex was this: women don't like sex.

So, here is my answer. This is what I would say to a woman.

Touch me as a man. Give me the sense that we are connected. Give me the sense not only that you are available, but that you want me. I'm not asking for sex twenty-four by seven, I am asking for the possibility. I'm not stupid. I am mature and yes, I can delay gratification. I am cognizant of children, family events, financial matters, job problems, health issues, headaches, and yes, the latest episode of Desperate Housewives airing in 10 minutes.

Touch me? A quick kiss as either you or I fly out the door. Holding hands on a walk. Snuggling on the couch watching TV. Giving a suggestive caress on the buttocks cleaning up in the kitchen pre or post meal. Or even brazenly grabbing me in the crotch behind our guests' back while whispering in my ear, "How's my stud muffin?" Silly? Stupid? Or suggestive? Sensual?

Possibility. Touch my sensibilities. Touch my imagination. I guess, in the end, that is touch my mind with the idea of promise. Oh yes, one more "P" word: passion.


It would be presumptuous of me to speak for all men solely based on me sharing the same gender but I believe that in the same way a woman wants to be wanted by her man, a man wants to be wanted by his woman. I don't mean love or friendship, both important ideas, I mean sexually. Sex is primordial. Sex is a fundamental building block of a relationship. And yes, the brain is our biggest sex organ. Being wanted does arouse the mind and if you arouse the mind, anything is possible.


Wikipedia: World Trade Center controlled demolition conspiracy theories
The World Trade Center controlled demolition conspiracy theory is a conspiracy theory which contends that the collapse of the World Trade Center was not caused by the airliner crash damage that occurred as part of the September 11, 2001 attacks, and the resulting fire damage, but by explosives installed in the buildings in advance.

Wikipedia: Base (mathematics)
In mathematics, a base or radix is the number of different digits that a system of counting uses to represent numbers. For example, the most common base used today is the decimal system. Because "dec" means 10, it uses the 10 digits from 0 to 9.

Wikipedia: Shere Hite
Shere Hite (born November 2, 1942) is an American-born German sex educator and feminist. Her sexological work has focused primarily on female sexuality. Hite builds upon biological studies of sex by Masters and Johnson and by Alfred Kinsey. She also references theoretical, political and psychological works associated with the feminist movement of the 1970s, such as Anne Koedt's The Myth of the Vaginal Orgasm.

The Hite Report on Male Sexuality (1981) by Shere Hite
Over 7,000 men, ages thirteen to ninety-seven, speak out about: What they think of women--as wives, lovers, and friends; why a majority of men like marriage but are not faithful; what they think about love--and why they often distrust it; how they feel about giving women clitoral stimulation; why they often masturbate even with a regular sex life...and more.

LiveScience - Oct 18/2011
Busted! Gender Myths in the Bedroom & Beyond by Stephanie Pappas
The difference in men's and women's attitudes toward sex are often taken for granted. Men want sex, women want commitment; men look for attractive mates and women go after social status.

But not all psychologists are on board with these gender-essentialist statements.

In a new review, University of Michigan psychologist Terri Conley and colleagues sift through psychology studies and find gender differences aren't always as black-and-white (or pink-and-blue) as they seem. Here are six gender differences that may not be innate after all.

In Bed With Married Women - Apr 15/2010
My Wife's Body By An Anonymous Husband
My wife, like millions of women in this world, has a poor body self-image.

my blog: An open letter to (older) women about body image
Body image, mental image: I'm not perfect but I'm beautiful anyway.

my blog: Sex fantasies make for better sex lives
Sexual fantasies are tied to the level of sexual satisfaction of an individual. A person who reports sexual satisfaction is more likely to fantasize and a person who fantasizes reports sexual satisfaction.


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1 comment:

BigLittleWolf said...

Well, well, well.

I just love this post.

So refreshing.

Where oh where is that woman's writing on "where do men like to be touched?"