Sunday 22 October 2017

H B'day 2 Me: I turned 65!

On Friday, October 20, 2017, I turned 65, a milestone in my life, a milestone in anybody's life?

Human Resources wrote to inform me the company benefit plan was cutting my Life Coverage and Accidental Death & Dismemberment by 50%. I have thirty-one days to apply for alternative coverage. —I joked: H.R. says F.U.— It's nice to know that some faceless actuary somewhere has determined my risk to my employer has magically shot up. Should I be worried, too?

At work, I bought my own cake and sent this email to all staff, inviting them for a sugar fix.

Today, a member of our staff is celebrating his 65th birthday. I would like to organise a surprise for him in the boardroom, so I hope all of you will join me for a sugar fix. And for Heaven's sake, if you see William the birthday boy in the hall, don't let on you know about this. Let's surprise him.

Ain't I a card?

During my speech (I'm Canadian), I said:

Canada has two official languages: English and French. It is a bilingual country. Our company is also bilingual, even though, for the most part, the language of business in these offices is English. Consequently, I want to make a respectful nod to the other official language by saying something in French.

[The room looked at me expectantly... I cleared my throat, glanced around and said...]

Quelque chose

[I bowed.]

Thank you. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you very much. Please, hold your applause. Don't encourage me or I'll say even more.

I copied something I saw Johnny Carson do years ago on his show. He held up one hand, palm out, in a sign to stop applauding, while holding his other hand low, moving it in a "come forward" motion to mean continue applauding.

I added that everyone can become an "-est" in life if they hang in there long enough. I'm not the fastest. I'm not the smartest. I'm not the richest. But now, due to my age, I was now the oldest. Yes, the oldest person in the entire company. I'm not sure if that makes me the elder statesman or the doddering old fool. I shall be grateful I'm still alive.

My birthday evening saw me at the gym for three hours. As I write this, my answer to the question "how was my birthday" consists of two words: It's over.

Question: Do you count a contraction as one word or two? Is "It's over" really three words? But along with "Who knows?", you could add, "Who cares?"

My sister-in-law texted me happy birthday. I texted back:

I'm now officially an "old" man, but I have a new freedom: I can spit, fart, and pick my nose with impunity because everybody's going to forgive me, thinking I'm becoming senile. Who's got the nerve to say "Gross!" to an old man's face? I'm going to get away with murder.


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