Sunday 19 August 2018

My Author Profile at Spank the Carp

The short story web site, Spank the Carp, asked me to write an author's profile by answering a series of questions.

AUTHOR PROFILE William Quincy Belle
William Quincy Belle is just a guy. Nobody famous; nobody rich; just some guy who likes to periodically add his two cents worth with the hope, accounting for inflation, that $0.02 is not over-evaluating his contribution. He claims that at the heart of the writing process is some sort of (psychotic) urge to put it down on paper and likes to recite the following, which so far he hasn't been able to attribute to anyone: "A writer is an egomaniac with low self-esteem." You will find Mr. Belle's unbridled stream of consciousness floating around in cyberspace.

Why do you write?
I can’t draw. I can’t paint. I can’t sculpt. I can’t play a musical instrument. Why I do something is really based on a longer list of things I can’t do. As opposed to the polymaths, the Renaissance Men like Galileo, Da Vinci, etc., I’m more of an idiot savant, although there are some who would question the use of the word savant. Like many who took to blogging as a form of self-expression, I’m imbued with a high degree of self-importance; what I say matters. I’m a legend in my own mind.

Question: What’s the definition of an egotist?

Answer: Somebody who doesn’t think of me.

In the grand scheme of things, I know that I am merely a single grain of sand on the beach of life and my contribution to the background cacophony of seven billion voices is just a blip meriting an allusion to the posterior of a rodent: Who gives a rat's ass? However, I’m reminded that we’re not here for a long time; we’re here for a good time. I do this to amuse myself and will continue to do so as long as it does amuse me. Hopefully, along the way, what I do amuses one or two other people. It feels good to make somebody smile. A guffaw is a bonus.

What other creative activities are you involved in?
What other “creative” activities? There are those who feel creative is an inaccurate description of my illogical, non sequitur stream of consciousness, who rather see this as the failure of the psychiatric profession to develop the necessary therapeutic methods for dealing with whatever the heck is going on in my head.

Who is your favorite author and why?
William Quincy Belle is an author of startling depth and imagination... Oh, I’m sorry. Is this not where I write my own sales copy?

Tell us about the mechanics of how you write.
I turn on my computer and get a cup of coffee. I open Microsoft Word and take the first sip of the day. I look at the opening default blank page then check my email. I glance at the blank page then check the news feed. I go back and type a few words, then do backspace, backspace, backspace and go to YouTube to see what random videos have been served up. I take another sip of coffee and adjust the cushion I use for lumbar support.

This can go on for another forty-five minutes to an hour before I stand up to pace back and forth in front of my computer desk, shaking my fist at the sky and cursing my existence. I’m convinced the gods of inspiration are toying with me and my literary muse is really an evil siren luring me onto the rocks of distraction. Oh goodie, I haven’t seen this cat video before.

Finally, what do you think about Carp, the fish, not our website?
Carpe diem. I firmly believe we should all seize the day. No, wait! You were talking about the fish not the Latin. I should have gone into politics. I like to give an answer before I understand the question.

I’m not sure why you ask about the carp. According to the 2014 pop song by Meghan Trainor, “It’s all about the bass.”

You called this a writing prompt: the literary equivalent of military training. Drop and give me a hundred.

That’s seventy-five. I will now meander on, filling in whatever’s necessary blah, blah, blah, to get my count to an even hun-

My thanks to the editor, Ken S., for putting up with my (literary) shenanigans. I'm reminded of an old saying: You're never too old to be immature.


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