Monday 30 September 2013

Desirability: Don't we all just want to be wanted?

The more people you to talk to and the more writing you peruse, the more you see patterns. You see common themes to the human experience. And I, for one, reflect on the significance of such themes in the grand scheme of things. It's one thing to have an anecdote or two, but it's something else if you see the same issue over and over again.

A trio of female bloggers recently penned articles in which the idea of personal desirability cropped up. I couldn't help but identify with this. Don't we all want to be desirable? Don't we all want to be desired? Doesn't having somebody want us feel good?

Oh yes, somebody likes our work; somebody admires our clothes. All of these things stroke the ego to a certain extent, however I'm talking more about the primordial: somebody desires us. Yes, relationships consist of many things like commitment, sharing, love, etc., but there is something fundamental to being sexually desired by another human being. This seems to be a basic building block of our character, a part which craves to be longed for. We want to be loved. Our family love us. We want to be admired. Our friends admire us. But we do so want to be the object of somebody's desire.

Ms. Jeffreys has written a profoundly touching and erotic personal story. It is must read.

Chloe of the Mountain - Sep 24/2013 (from Wayback Machine - Internet Archive)
Take Me! I'm Yours! by Chloe Jeffreys
I was once a beautiful young woman that men wanted to fuck. And as much as I might rail against the archaic notion that my value should have anything whatsoever to do with how fuckable men perceive me to be, I was/am still under its thrall. I feel the loss of my fuckability sometimes very acutely. For most of my life being fuckable was a big part of who I was, and I derived power from it. Having it gone is like having an amputated limb that still aches from its phantom pain. Being an aging woman in a culture that worships at the altar of firm-fleshed, estrogen-fueled youth is just plain hard.

Likewise, Ms. Gaines offers her own personal adventure.

The Perils Of Divorced Pauline - Sep 22/2013
What I’m Thankful For: My Younger Man by Pauline Gaines
Given that Nick has had a colorful, and varied romantic history that boggles the imagination, I asked him why, oh why, does he want to be with a 50-year-old single mom when he could have a 30-year-old tart every night of the week.

Finally, PollyAnna started out blogging about her divorce, but has taken to talking about her life. Here is a woman who has had a hysterectomy, gone through breast cancer with a double mastectomy, and suffered what appears to be a traumatic split with her husband. Now in her early 40's, she is rediscovering herself while being a single mother, a businesswoman, and a writer. In her latest column, "So that's why they call it a rebound", she writes about her transition from divorced wife to single woman and rediscovering men. I couldn't help but smile when she talks of a relationship that led to a special moment by saying, "Sex is AWESOME."

But more importantly, she makes this most revealing of statements: remember that attractive, successful men will be attracted to me? ... priceless.

Of course, anybody reading this is going to immediately point out that these three writers are all women while I'm a man. Despite this difference in gender, I see a commonality of the human experience. I am reminded that while we all talk of the battle of the sexes and differences between each side of the sexual divide, there are still many similarities between men and women. Life is life and we are all human beings. All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players.

my blog: Sex: What men want. Okay, what I want. - July 22/2012
Touch me as a man. Give me the sense that we are connected. Give me the sense not only that you are available, but that you want me. I'm not asking for sex twenty-four by seven, I am asking for the possibility. I'm not stupid. I am mature and yes, I can delay gratification. I am cognizant of children, family events, financial matters, job problems, health issues, headaches, and yes, the latest episode of Desperate Housewives airing in 10 minutes. ... In the same way a woman wants to be wanted by her man, a man wants to be wanted by his woman. I don't mean love or friendship, both important ideas, I mean sexually. Sex is primordial. Sex is a fundamental building block of a relationship.

Final Word
All three of these women, and I imagine all of us, face the problems of life: health, finances, and marriage and possibly divorce. We also must face that unstoppable problem of getting old. As I write these words, I can think of other writers not mentioned, male and female, who have echoed these ideas. Life is short; let's make it a good one. And part of a good one is our desirability. It just feels damn good to be wanted.


Chloe Jeffreys, Pauline Gaines, and PollyAnna have written very personal and intimate stories. I would strongly recommend reading all three in their entirety.

Chloe of the Mountain - Sep 24/2013
Take Me! I'm Yours! by Chloe Jeffreys
“I have a crush on another man.” My words, hanging there between us, seemed to have suddenly sucked all of the air out of the restaurant.

The Perils Of Divorced Pauline - Sep 22/2013
What I’m Thankful For: My Younger Man by Pauline Gaines
I have a new paramour. He is a complete romantic departure for me: younger (by eight years), blue-collar, and unfettered by children.

PollyAnna Shines - July 26/2013
So that's why they call it a rebound
I haven't been writing here, but there has been plenty to write about. Let's start with the juicy bits, shall we? I know you want to know. Luke.

And to the ladies, I would some of my own takes on how one feels about themselves.

my blog: Gettin' old, man boobs and Vladimir Putin - Aug 20/2011
We men like to strut our stuff once in a while. Even though we get older and start fading, we still have our moments when we like to relive our former glories, the time when other men would tremble before us and women would swoon.

FYI: This blog entry has an interesting clip from 1983 television mini-series The Thorn Birds.

my blog: An open letter to (older) women about body image - Jan 27/2012
Body image, mental image: I'm not perfect but I'm beautiful anyway.

my blog: Body Image: Being comfortable about yourself - July 19/2013
I do not believe that any one of us truly appreciates the effect society, media, and our peer groups have on us. When I say we are the sum total of our experiences, those include a myriad of outside influences. Whether it is friends or colleagues, TV or the Internet, news or entertainment, we are constantly bombarded by a slew of messages which influence how we think and how we behave.


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PollyAnna said...

Thanks, WQB.

Yes, I want to be wanted. I want him (whomever "he" may be) to want me with burning intensity. I want him to feel certainty that he sees magic in my eyes. I want his skin to tingle when I walk in the room, and I want his heart to sing, and I want him to think that my opinion is the one he wants to seek, that my smile is the one he wants to see.

And of course I want to feel all that in return.

And if there was all that, it would be hard for me to keep my hands off him, hard for me to think of anything else, hard for my body not to arch slightly when he touched me.

Yup, I want it all.

François Roland said...

Okay William, as you can guess, and as the writer of a book about “having a good sex life”, I totally align with what you say on the matter, being sexually desired is actually paramount, whatever will be the other fields in which we gained some recognition. Sex is and always was the number one gratification, and that’s why the ones not being desired anymore, feel to become unworthy and like having been demonetized.

So yes for all of us, it’s hard to be aging because it sure doesn’t help, and the phenomenon is even harder on women as we all know. But, as I explain in Being French there are ways to keep our seduction despite aging, and I would add, there are ways to see that beauty and sexiness are not a unique privilege of youth.

Now I see that you quote my dear friend Chloe Jeffreys [not Jeffries :)] and let me address this little message to her. Chloe, I saw you in flesh an bones, this year in Paris, and believe me, you are totally “fuckable!” :)