Wednesday 8 January 2014

Veronica Monet: Sex Secrets of Escorts: What Men Really Want

What do men want? What do they really want? Somehow that strikes me as something any woman would give her eye teeth to know. Taking into account a divorce rate between 40% and 50% and the supposed number one reason for divorce being neglect (my blog: Two-thirds of divorces are filed by women), I have to ask just what is going wrong? If you're having a great relationship, you don't leave; you don't divorce. Isn't it logical to assume the relationship is anything but great?

I have run into a plethora of so-called experts who have hung out their shingle to tell the world about sex, love, and relationships. Be open. Be honest. Talk with your partner. While the divorce rate has "apparently" dropped somewhat over the past ten years, the decline may be attributable to people marrying later in life. Nevertheless, is satisfaction guaranteed? In my posting "Sex: What are the neighbours doing?" I gave examples up and down the spectrum of what one would consider "good relationship" and mentioned one couple who confessed to not having had sex for three years. How do you spell get me the hell out of here? In my posting "Sex: Are women lousy lovers?", I discussed whether women had the necessary expertise in the bedroom to not just attract a man, but to keep him. (In fairness, I asked the same question of men: "Sex: Are men lousy lovers?")

Along comes Veronica Monet. Why would a man pay $2,500 per hour for her time? What could this woman possibly do to warrant such a sum of money? Is the man stark raving mad or does Ms. Monet know something about men that women in general are totally ignorant of? If you're a woman reading this, would you have the slightest idea of what to do that would be worth $2,500 to a man?

As I said above, as something of a caveat, we all run into so-called experts. Ms. Monet is the voice of experience having had nearly two thousand clients during a 14 year career as an escort. I can't think of anybody who would know better than her what a man wants from a woman. (FYI: Ms. Monet is bisexual and some of those clients were women but the majority were men.)

It is interesting to note that in several introductions to the woman, Ms. Monet is referred to as a courtesan and yes, I looked it up just to be sure.

Merriam-Webster: courtesan
(noun) a woman who has sex with rich or important men in exchange for money

In my mind, courtesan is associated with high-class, upper crust of society, education, and sophistication. This isn't just about sex; it is also about companionship.

I know in our society that sex for money is frowned upon. In fact, it is for the most part illegal. However, should it be? I would contend that it should not but will leave that debate for another column. I will point out though, that I don't know many people who make $2,500 an hour.

Monet is the author of Sex Secrets of Escorts (Alpha Books 2005), and is a couples’ consultant specializing in anger management and sacred sexuality. She has been a vocal and highly visible spokesperson for the sex-worker-rights movement since 1991, having appeared on every major network, including CNN, FOX, CNBC, WE, and A&E, as well as international television programs. The New York Times has profiled her, and she has lectured at a variety of academic venues, including Kent State, Stanford, and Yale. Monet combines over fourteen years of “hands-on” experience as a courtesan with many years of formal education. As a Certified Sexologist (ACS), Certified Sex Educator (SFSI), Certified Anger Management Specialist (CAM), Trained Volunteer for the Center Against Rape and Domestic Violence (CARDV) and an Ordained Minister (ULC) her subject matter marries the body and the soul on many levels, reuniting sex and spirit in down-to-earth terms and providing compassion, intuition, integrity, and safety. Monet coaches men, women, and couples over the telephone, via Skype, and in person at her northern California office. She also hosts an online radio program, The Shame Free Zone, on the Sex Talk Radio Network. -The Rumpus

The following podcast is a must. Fortunately, this comes with both the audio and a full transcript.

Personal Life Media - Expanded Lovemaking
podcast: Dr. Patti Taylor
Episode 31: Secrets of a Sex Escort: What Men Really Want with Veronica Monet

Men want to learn to become better lovers
Veronica Monet: Most of the men seem absolutely starved for information on how they could be better lovers. That really upgraded my opinion about men right there. I was just like, “Wow! Men care so much about pleasing women that they will pay thousands of dollars to learn how to do it right.”

Dr. Patti Taylor: That’s amazing. So, do you think that they asked you questions that they were embarrassed to ask their partners, that there's something going on there, do you think?

Veronica Monet: Well, there was some of that, but the sad truth was that a lot of these men were either married or partnered with women who they might have broached topics with, in essence, “Show me what you want. Show me what makes you feel good.” Women just weren’t empowered enough to step up to the plate and actually say, “This is what I want. This is what feels good.”

Women need to be proud of their bodies
Veronica Monet: Well, I can tell you, the biggest--perhaps it's going to be a little surprising because it's not about what you do to men, it's about how you feel about yourself. The biggest thing that I got paid to do as an escort was feel great about my body.
I started having predominantly male clients who are married. So these married men, almost without exception, were deeply in love with their wives and went on and on about how beautiful and sexy they were and how much they love to have sex with them, but they had this very consistent complaint which was, “She won't let me go down on her. She won't let us have sex with the lights on. She doesn’t seem like to want to have sex like she used to.”

Now, there's a lot of contributing factors to something like that. Of course, this is just the men’s side of things. It could have been that he wasn't particularly great in bed, and maybe that’s why she wouldn’t want to have sex with him. But it could also been, you know, she’s working on child number two and she's exhausted. Some women, after having children, don’t feel particularly sexy, things happened to their bodies that make them so less than sexy. But overall, it just seems like overall, the consistent complaint was, “It's not that my wife isn’t beautiful, but that she doesn’t think she is. She's got hang ups about her body and we can't enjoy sex.”

So, what I realized was “Yes, I took good care of my body and I was gifted with some good genetics, but it's not like that I was exceptionally gorgeous. I got paid tremendous amounts of money, far more money than some girls who are far more beautiful than I. The bottomline seems to be two things: one, I had a tremendous confidence and I loved my body, still do, and I knew it inside and out. I was not reticent at all to tell these men how to make me sexually happy.
Veronica Monet: Well, yes, but first, before I talk about the ways that you touch a man, I just want to encourage your female listeners to get out a mirror, turn the lights on real bright, check out your own genitals. If you haven’t done that before, you owe it to yourself to do it. After you get over the initial embarrassment, you're going to see that you are carrying an absolute work of art between your legs. One of the things that was an absolute crowd pleaser and--I'm sorry but that’s just a trade because I had like almost 2,000 clients in the course of almost 14 years--was standing over the man, exposing the wondrous vulva, flaunting it and putting it in his face and letting him see it in all its glory and, basically, being very boastful.

The Rumpus Interview - July 8/2013
Johns, Marks, Tricks, and Chickenhawks: The Rumpus Interview with Veronica Monet by David Henry Sterry

Rumpus: What are some things you’ve learned working in the sex industry?

Monet: I learned that when you take his clothes off and provide him with one of the most emotionally moving orgasms of his life, a man will show you that he is not all that different from most women. Men, too, want to be held while they cum and will cry during an internal (prostate) orgasm. There is softness and a desire to be nurtured which I never saw in men until I became a prostitute. I literally went from hating men and the oppression they represented to me at that time, to loving men and feeling regret that we live in a world culture which demands that men sublimate their feminine side in preference of appearing in control.

Final Word
Men are from Mars. Marriage consultants. Relationship therapists. Couples counsellors. Veronica Monet comes from the front lines. This isn't theory. This isn't a survey or a series of interviews. This isn't second-hand knowledge. This woman has been there, done that. She has seen it, touched it, and felt it. She's lived it. I read over what this woman has written and I listen to what she says and as a man, I know I'm dealing with a woman who knows me. I don't have to explain myself. I don't have to tell her what I want. I don't have to teach her anything. She knows. I extend my hand to her as an offer to dance; she accepts, and we both glide into the first steps of a ritual as old as time itself.

In the past few years of blogging and researching, I have become more and more convinced that both men and women want something out of their relationships. Sex, of course, but also security, friendship, and familiarity. But along with those ingredients, we all want passion. Yes, life is full of the day to day routine and sometimes that is mundane, but passion makes it all worthwhile. It makes sense of life itself. Our collective problem seems to be that we don't necessarily know each other well enough. Do men understand women? And do women understand men? Here, at least, seems to be one woman who knows men very, very well.

One of the things that was an absolute crowd pleaser... was standing over the man, exposing the wondrous vulva, flaunting it and putting it in his face and letting him see it in all its glory and, basically, being very boastful.

Sex sells but confidence closes.


Facebook: Veronica Monet
The Shame Free Zone is here to heal your trauma and transform your life through deep empathy!

Twitter: Veronica Monet @VeronicaMonet
Your Guide to Exquisite Partnership ™ Committed to freeing our world of shame!

YouTube channel: Veronica Monet

Flickr: Veronica Monet

Salon - Oct 23/2002
The two worlds of Veronica Monet by Michael Castleman
She's married to the love of her life. And he kisses her goodbye when she jets off to satisfy other men's fantasies.
[Note: Monet eventually divorced but for reasons other than her former profession.]

Your Tango: Veronica Monet, ACS, CAM: Couples Empath, Sexologist, Author and Radio Host.

Amazon: Publication Date: Sept. 6 2005
Sex Secrets of Escorts: What Men Really Want by Veronica Monet
What makes men pay Veronica Monet $2,500 an hour for her services? After nearly 15 years of being an expensive escort, Veronica Monet shares her secrets in this intimate, funny, no-holds-barred guide, filled with anecdotes from her years in the "trenches." Veronica Monet's Sex Secrets of Escorts is a must-have guide for any woman interested in enriching the sex life she shares with her partner. Includes helpful hints on:
-Erotic toys
-Techniques that only the "working girls" know

CDC: National Marriage and Divorce Rate Trends
United States: 2000-2011

my blog: Sharyn Wolf's divorce: a heart surgeon can have a heart attack - Apr 29/2011
I am throwing this in as a curious story but also as a warning about so-called experts. This psychotherapist and "relationship expert" writes a book about her divorce admitting she had sex with her husband twice in fifteen years. Physician, heal thyself? (Luke 4:23) In a news clip, a journalist points out Sharyn had been saying that she's been in a long happy marriage to which she replied, "I did say that but I was fooling myself. I thought it was the truth." I couldn't help thinking of the memorable character of George Costanza on the TV show Seinfeld who said, "It's not a lie if you believe it."


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Unknown said...

Excellent post. And I hope all women read it and take note. I think the key ingredient missing in most marriages in passion. We all need to take the time and find out what makes us passionate.

PollyAnna said...

You say, "I can't think of anybody who would know better than her what a man wants from a woman."

I utterly disagree.

If you'd like to know what men who hire prostitutes want from a woman, go to her. If a guy pays for sex, he's looking for something very one-sided: he may want to be held, but does he want to hold her tenderly in return? He may love watching her confidence, showing her body off, but does he give that back? I have no doubt that she has great techniques and is confident and a tiger in the sack, but the power dynamics and the lack of real relationship completely skew what she might know about relationships. I'm sure she knows a great deal about sex, but it seems that her info stops there.

Case in point: she was a tiger in the sack, very confident, and her marriage failed anyway. There are no easy answers here.

One more thing: women desire confidence just as much as men do. My ex gained a lot of weight through our marriage, and felt bad about himself. It translated directly to the bedroom: I had the higher libido, I was all for fun and lingerie, and he was...boring. It goes both directions.